Post-Christmas Counseling with the Kringles by Tracy Beckerman

This Week in LOST IN SUBURBIA®

“Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Our guests today come to us all the way from the North Pole. Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Claus.” (light applause).

“Now, the Claus's may seem like a special couple, but underneath those matching red suits, he's a working guy and she's a stay-at-home wife just like many of you.

And just like any married couple, things can get a little rocky under the mistletoe from time to time, if you know what I mean.

“Mr. Claus, can I call you Santa?”“Sure, Phil.”“Santa, what seems to be the problem with you and the Mrs.?”

“Well Phil, I know I can be a tough guy to be married to, what with my crazy work schedule Christmas Eve and all the toys strewn around the house. But I think I've done a good job keeping the reindeer out of the kitchen and making sure the elves put the toilet seat down when they use the bathroom.”

“What do you think, Mrs. Claus?”

“It's not just Christmas Eve, Phil. In the last month he must have been to every mall in the country. We never saw him. And let me tell you something, those are not just little children sitting on his lap either. I've seen more that a few moms whispering in Santa's ear what they want for Christmas!”

“I keep telling you, that's not me. Those are imposters.”

“Oh and I suppose the guy who comes down everyone's chimney is an imposter too?”

“No, that's me.”“Well, if you can miraculously fit down a chimney with that big belly of yours, why couldn't you manage to get home in time for breakfast Christmas morning?”

“I got lost on the way back.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Why is that?”

“Because we just got you that new GPS navigation system for the reindeer last year. Even if you did get lost, where would you end up... The North Pole?”“

Santa... Mrs. Claus... I think I get the picture. Mrs. Claus, it seems like you're feeling a little neglected around the holidays, is that right?”

“Maybe a little.”

“And Santa, are you feeling the pull between work pressure and family?”

“I suppose.”

“Mrs. Claus, if you could have anything you wanted for Christmas, what would it be?”

“Hmmm. Just once, I'd like to be the one to go out in the sled Christmas Eve, stay out all night, deliver the toys and get to eat the cookies.”

“You can't do that, dear.”

“Why not?”

“Because the song is 'Santa Claus is coming to town,' not 'Mrs. Claus is coming to town!'”

“Oh I'll just put on a red suit and a fake beard. No one will know the difference. And you can stay home and wash all those elf clothes.”

“You know, it's not so easy being Santa Claus. I got to tell you, the day after Christmas is a real bummer. Two thirds of the toys come back. This one got an X-box and he wanted a Wii. That one got a Barbie and she wanted a Bratz. It's a nightmare!”

“Oh boo-hoo. Poor Santa.”

“Mrs. Claus. You better not pout. You better not cry!”

“Oh please. Like I haven't heard that song and dance before.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Claus, where's the love? Where's the joy? Where's the Ho Ho Ho in you Happy Ho Ho Home? You two need to take time to stop and smell the egg nog. Let the kids be nice; you two need to get a little naughty, if you catch my snowdrift! Hey Santa, Mrs. Claus is waiting for you to hurry down the chimney tonight!”

“You know what, Phil? You're right! Hey honey, how about if we take off for a few days and head down to the South Pole for a little merry us time?”“Oh Santa, that sounds nice. But who's going to watch the elves?”

“Let me call Jack Frost and see if he's around. Oh, and Phil, sorry about that coal last year.”

“No problem. OK, let’s take a break. When we come back, Santa's elves: little helpers or sweatshop slaves? You decide!”

©2007, Beckerman. All rights reserved. Coming Soon: Tracy Beckerman’s book, “Rebel Without a Minivan.” For a sneak peek, go to www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com or visit www.lostinsuburbia.net

A Holiday Letter from the Beckermans (nod, nod, wink, wink)

Dear Friends and Family,

After receiving so many scintillating holiday newsletters this year, I wanted to chime in with our humble family news! First of all, our kids are doing great! You know our son has taken up the electric guitar? He got so good this year that he actually opened for the Rolling Stones when they played the Garden! They really want him to take over for Keith Richards, but we think he should finish middle school before he goes on tour… especially since he will be missing a significant amount of school when he goes to Africa to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and then helps rebuild an entire village that got flattened by an elephant stampede.

Our daughter has been busy too. She is studying Chemistry in her 5th grade science class. While she was mapping out the complete DNA of a lemur, she stumbled upon a cure for baldness. No, it certainly won’t save lives, but we’re proud of her just the same! She will begin developing the formula just as soon as she gets back from her Hawaiian triathlon to raise money for AWAA (Adults with Acute Acne).

The kids had a great time at camp this summer. They were two of only six children from the U.S. that were chosen to live on the NASA space station out in the Earth’s orbit for six weeks. We missed them, but we had a fantastic time on our vacation this summer! While we were following the Emperor Penguins on their migration across the Antarctic, a polar avalanche uncovered a frozen caveman that they say is the missing link between men and apes! It was quite an exciting discovery. We can’t wait for the VIP unveiling at the Smithsonian after we get home from our trip to help orphans in a remote village near Machu Pichu in the spring! Of course not everything was a piece of cake this year.

You know my dear husband is building us a new house completely on his own in his spare time and there have been some complications with the indoor waterfall and lagoon. He did such a fantastic job with the luge run out back, though, that we’re confident he will work out the kinks with the lagoon. The good news is we’re still on track to have the whole thing done by the time he has to go to Brussels to receive his Nobel Prize.

As for me… I’m just happy to be home and revel in the sunshine of my family’s love and accomplishments while I work on my acceptance speech for the Mother of the Millennium award I am getting from the President this year! Anyway, hope all is well with you and yours and you have a wonderful and very happy holidays!

Fondly,Tracy Beckerman

P.S. Thanks to everyone for your get-well wishes to our dog Riley. As you know, he got a little singed when he pulled our neighbors out of their burning home last month, but he’s doing fine!

©2007, Beckerman. All rights reserved. Lost in Suburbia® is a registered trademark of Tracy Beckerman

For a sneak peak at Tracy Beckerman’s upcoming book, “Rebel without a Minivan,” go to www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com or visit http://www.lostinsuburbia.net/.